I wish I could see things then that I do now so that way I could turn the other the way or do things differently then how things have turned out now. Things have just gotten so tough lately and I honestly can't believe it. I feel like I don't know to fix things or where to begin. I've lost all hope on people and things that I've just completely became unhappy with a lot of things within myself and my  affairs with other people. Most of it is my fault though I can't even lie because I know something's I go through is in my control. But, I just try to tell myself everyday that things will get better, that it can't get worse, and there is a lot at the end of the tunnel. However, I've lost hope on all the positive advices that I had for myself because I clearly don't see no light anywhere. No easier day or anything that I feel at all is in view for me. All that I have accomplished lately is more depression, anxiety, and the amount of hate that I have for many many many of people. I don't know this girl that I've became now but I really don't like it. I just have no motivation or energy to change anything about myself because for the first I'm sticking up for me, voicing my opinion, and trying to let no one step all over me. I'm giving less and caring less because I've done so much of that my whole life that many people have took that for granted and crapped all on me. I don't know if that's all my fault or can I give the blame partially to the other people that I have came into counter with. But, oh if I knew the things that I wish I knew then I would change it because I can't deal with it. It hurts to be this way but that's the state I'm in right now because no one gets me. No try's to take the time to understand me, my life, my struggles, my goals, etc. they just see what I do in the present and judge a book before even reading the first page. So I say forget it I will keep showing the people what they think they know about me anyways because they think they know. I don't even try to change people's minds no more because I believe they won't think its true anyways and I don't feel like proving myself will change anything but give me a constant headache and heartache that I already have on a regular with just the basic things I go through in life. Like I said, if I wish I could see things then like I do now I would do it all over again. I can't stand the own sight of myself or other people. I have completely fallen off on the things that I like to do and the things that make me happy and ultimately I'm really unhappy about it. I'm just so numb to this feeling that I have no idea how to get back right and to be honest I'm not even trying. This state I'm feeling right I kind of like it and hate it at the same time. It's something like a love/hate relationship that I'm in. To feel and to be normal I don't even know what that feels like anymore because I've been the opposite for so long that I don't even want to turn because I don't think there is nothing left for me there anymore. I just wish I could see then what I see now I would just run the other way never stop nor look back.  So much have changed since this year started and none of it has shown any bit of positivity but generated a lot of negativity and I just didn't think it would be that way at all. This was suppose to be the year if growth, prosperity, and just big things happening for me but it hasn't turned out that way all. I've hit more brick walls and obstacles then I felt like anybody I this world has and I don't see nothing new in the future for me. Nothing but pain and suffering like all I've been dealing with. Again, I wish I could see what I see now before and I wouldn't even be here. It's hard to see my blessings and to keep the faith with all this corruption and things going on in my life that it all feels threatening even more like death to me. But yet, the way I'm feeling right now I just can't take that step to change right now. Well, I guess to be continued...